Defined.
The first step to combating bullying and relational aggression in our schools is to define it. Conflict between peers, rude and mean behaviors all warrant prompt response in order to help children learn to empathize and problem solve. However, bullying is much more serious as generally the aggressors show little empathy for the target, therefore the solution is much more complex. Relational aggression is a form of bullying.
Children and teens should be taught to identify bullying. They should be taught to serve as "upstanders" in their school community. Bullied children and teens do not always reach out for help. If you suspect a friend, or your child, is experiencing bullying, you should contact your school counselor immediately. You should have the expectation that you (or your child) is safe at school.
Peer conflict, ongoing rude and/or mean behavior may be managed by the children themselves or with parental involvement, but can also be mediated in counseling through a Student Solution Team or a Restorative Session.
Children and teens should be taught to identify bullying. They should be taught to serve as "upstanders" in their school community. Bullied children and teens do not always reach out for help. If you suspect a friend, or your child, is experiencing bullying, you should contact your school counselor immediately. You should have the expectation that you (or your child) is safe at school.
Peer conflict, ongoing rude and/or mean behavior may be managed by the children themselves or with parental involvement, but can also be mediated in counseling through a Student Solution Team or a Restorative Session.
This explanation of Relational Aggression comes from The Ophelia Project, an organization dedicated to identifying and eliminating relational aggression from schools through a comprehensive K-12 curriculum.
What is Relational Aggression?
Relational Aggression (RA) is behavior that is intended to hurt someone by harming their relationships with others. It is often covert and subtle and requires careful observation. It is not just “kids being kids.” It is hurtful, intentional behavior that damages self esteem and makes it difficult for creating and maintaining healthy relationships. It may include all or some of the following behaviors:
Eye rolling
Ignoring
Building alliances
Teasing and put downs
Spreading rumors and gossip
Forming exclusive cliques
Cyberbullying
Relational aggression is one form of peer aggression; other forms are physical and verbal aggression. Physical aggression is usually more overt and recognizable; verbal aggression typically includes put downs and spreading rumors and may be part of relational aggression. All forms of aggression occur on a continuum; while behaviors at the low end may seem harmless, like sighing or rolling one’s eyes, they quickly move to the high end to include hurtful gossip, exclusion, or threats via the Internet.
What is the impact of Relational Aggression?
Establishing and maintaining healthy relationships is an important developmental task for children and teens. Relational aggression works against the development of these relationships. It is hurtful, damages self-concept and interferes with academic and physical development. Community leaders and parents often see the impact that relational aggression has on children and teens, but do not always understand what is happening. They may observe a child who is less secure than before or one who claims that “no one is my friend.” They may notice that good friends no longer call or come by to “hang out.” They may observe children and teens who once earned good grades doing poorly in school, complaining more frequently of stomachaches and illness or saying that they do not want to go to school or participate in after-school activities.
How can creating a safe social climate help you begin to address relational aggression?
A safe social climate is one where all can express their opinions, share their ideas, and celebrate their diversity. Put downs are not acceptable and inclusion is encouraged. Becoming proactive is critical. Rather than reacting to incidents of aggression after they occur, anyone can work to create organizations, clubs, sports teams or classrooms where people respect each others’ abilities and differences, value cooperation, and celebrate tolerance and diversity. Girls can be challenged to examine their beliefs about how to treat others because research tells us that beliefs predict behavior. They can learn to be more inclusive in their friendship circles and more aware of the contributions each of their peers can offer to the group. Relationships occur in a context… a culture. All girls want to belong, have friends, and feel connected. In a safe social climate, everyone is encouraged to respect their peers and friends; aggressive behaviors are actively discouraged and positive, pro-social behaviors are actively taught and practiced.
Relational Aggression (RA) is behavior that is intended to hurt someone by harming their relationships with others. It is often covert and subtle and requires careful observation. It is not just “kids being kids.” It is hurtful, intentional behavior that damages self esteem and makes it difficult for creating and maintaining healthy relationships. It may include all or some of the following behaviors:
Eye rolling
Ignoring
Building alliances
Teasing and put downs
Spreading rumors and gossip
Forming exclusive cliques
Cyberbullying
Relational aggression is one form of peer aggression; other forms are physical and verbal aggression. Physical aggression is usually more overt and recognizable; verbal aggression typically includes put downs and spreading rumors and may be part of relational aggression. All forms of aggression occur on a continuum; while behaviors at the low end may seem harmless, like sighing or rolling one’s eyes, they quickly move to the high end to include hurtful gossip, exclusion, or threats via the Internet.
What is the impact of Relational Aggression?
Establishing and maintaining healthy relationships is an important developmental task for children and teens. Relational aggression works against the development of these relationships. It is hurtful, damages self-concept and interferes with academic and physical development. Community leaders and parents often see the impact that relational aggression has on children and teens, but do not always understand what is happening. They may observe a child who is less secure than before or one who claims that “no one is my friend.” They may notice that good friends no longer call or come by to “hang out.” They may observe children and teens who once earned good grades doing poorly in school, complaining more frequently of stomachaches and illness or saying that they do not want to go to school or participate in after-school activities.
How can creating a safe social climate help you begin to address relational aggression?
A safe social climate is one where all can express their opinions, share their ideas, and celebrate their diversity. Put downs are not acceptable and inclusion is encouraged. Becoming proactive is critical. Rather than reacting to incidents of aggression after they occur, anyone can work to create organizations, clubs, sports teams or classrooms where people respect each others’ abilities and differences, value cooperation, and celebrate tolerance and diversity. Girls can be challenged to examine their beliefs about how to treat others because research tells us that beliefs predict behavior. They can learn to be more inclusive in their friendship circles and more aware of the contributions each of their peers can offer to the group. Relationships occur in a context… a culture. All girls want to belong, have friends, and feel connected. In a safe social climate, everyone is encouraged to respect their peers and friends; aggressive behaviors are actively discouraged and positive, pro-social behaviors are actively taught and practiced.
If your child is being bullied...
1. Remain calm. Collect as many facts as possible about the situation. Is this a conflict between friends that needs advice and assistance? How long and to what extent has it been occurring? Do the perpetrators show any remorse? Are there multiple versions of events worth considering? Before taking action, make sure you have as much information as possible.
2. Show empathy. When your child is hurting, it is important for you to validate their experience. Before collecting details, make sure you let them know you see the pain they are in. Even if you discover they have acted out or contributed to a tricky situation, showing empathy will build trust so that solutions can be reached.
3. Find your allies. Reaching out to other parents, trusted friends of your child, and teachers all help give perspective on the situation. Once you have all the information, you will be prepared to seek solutions from the school. You should have the expectation that the counselors will provide solutions, ongoing support and follow-up.
4. Empowerment. Work with your child to build resiliency. This can include training on how to respond to bullies. However, it is critical that you let them know they are not alone. Teach them to listen to their body. If they are physically or psychologically uncomfortable, they should have a safety plan. School counselors can help to develop one with them.
2. Show empathy. When your child is hurting, it is important for you to validate their experience. Before collecting details, make sure you let them know you see the pain they are in. Even if you discover they have acted out or contributed to a tricky situation, showing empathy will build trust so that solutions can be reached.
3. Find your allies. Reaching out to other parents, trusted friends of your child, and teachers all help give perspective on the situation. Once you have all the information, you will be prepared to seek solutions from the school. You should have the expectation that the counselors will provide solutions, ongoing support and follow-up.
4. Empowerment. Work with your child to build resiliency. This can include training on how to respond to bullies. However, it is critical that you let them know they are not alone. Teach them to listen to their body. If they are physically or psychologically uncomfortable, they should have a safety plan. School counselors can help to develop one with them.
Preventative Programs
No Bully. Many schools use this program which trains teachers, counselors on spotting bullied children and intervention. It also includes school wide preventative lessons in creating a caring, peaceful school community.
Kid Power. This program covers a wide range of safety practices for children and teens. There are many different ways to use the program including seminars for families, students or curriculum planning.
The Ophelia Project. This website offers useful tips for families specific to relational aggression. There is a free, readily accessible curriculum available to all educators and counselors.
Grandma Rose. For the littlest kids, these books help empower kids to respond effectively to teasing and get help from an adult if it doesn't stop.
Brooks Gibbs. For bigger kids, this motivational speaker offers advice to stop bullies in their tracks. Powerful if done effectively, but kids will need support to accomplish these skills.
Kid Power. This program covers a wide range of safety practices for children and teens. There are many different ways to use the program including seminars for families, students or curriculum planning.
The Ophelia Project. This website offers useful tips for families specific to relational aggression. There is a free, readily accessible curriculum available to all educators and counselors.
Grandma Rose. For the littlest kids, these books help empower kids to respond effectively to teasing and get help from an adult if it doesn't stop.
Brooks Gibbs. For bigger kids, this motivational speaker offers advice to stop bullies in their tracks. Powerful if done effectively, but kids will need support to accomplish these skills.
Student Solution Teams
Part of the No Bully School Program, you can expect a mediated solution team centered around building empathy for the target and agreement from the aggressor to change behaviors. A supportive, positive peer group is also involved to ensure follow-through.
Restorative Sessions
Similar in spirit, the restorative circle can be used in conflicts and disputes between peers to help mediate a resolution agreed upon by all parties involved.