The Impact of Parenting cannot be overstated. There are two dynamics that contribute to parenting approaches - warmth and expectation. Each combination creates certain characteristics in teens and adolescents:
- Authoritarian - low warmth, high expectations creates children that generally have lower self-worth, don’t trust their feelings, have weakened social skills, find it difficult to meet parental expectations resulting in anxiety/depression
- Authoritative/Democratic - high warmth, high expectations creates children that have high self-esteem, are assertive, can regulated their emotions, are socially responsible and get along well with others, and can access high achievement
- Permissive - high warmth, low expectations creates children that have high self-esteem and are confident, but are less responsible and can be impulsive; have more difficulty maintaining friendships and less interest in academic achievement
- Negligent - low warmth, low expectations create children that have low self-esteem and tend to be withdrawn or passive, generally do not perform as well academically
How do I balance "warmth" with "high expectations" in my parenting?
- Practice your own self-care
- Learn your child's love language - touch, service, gift giving, time, and words
- Create family rituals
- Have clear rules and expectations for how you treat each other
- Use fair fighting principles (no blaming, name calling, focus on the main issue, using I-feel statements)
- Aim for physical connection every day
- Play together
- Use humor
- Minimize distractions
- Make time for 1:1 connection every day
- Valdate emotions and helpful behaviors
- Establish chores and daily expectations
- Keep a routine
- Use positive affirmations regularly
- Be firm but pleasant - no sarcasm, nagging, blaming
- Explain WHY with values and safety
- Be prepared to handle testing and manipulation by naming the tactic and setting a boundary
- Use logical consequences for unwanted behaviors
Most parents have the same goals for their children - they want them to grow up to be happy, well-adjusted, and able to contribute successfully to their community. We put tremendous pressure on ourselves to guide them to adulthood with grace and charm. But the day to day parenting challenges, and life challenges, can leave us feeling deflated from time to time. Especially if we are caught in a battle of wills or dealing with a moody teenager or experiencing a revival of temper tantrums from a reluctant kinder - and everything in between.
Helping your child learn to recognize and regulate their emotions is a gift that will increase their overall emotional intelligence and set them up for academic success as well. But how do you do that?
- Emotional awareness - Help kids name both their emotions and corresponding body sensations. You can do this through modeling "I am feeling really nervous about this new job, it feels like I have butterflies in my stomach," observations "Your hands are clinched in tight fists, and you are using your angry voice," wondering or questions "I am wondering if you are mad because your brother took two turns in a row. Are you feeling frustrated with him?" It's OK if your guesses are wrong - because it gives the child a chance to think about and clarify what they are feeling.
- Emotional regulation - Once they have a sizeable emotional and sensory vocabulary, you can then start to help them learn how to manage their reactions to different feelings and situations. You can do this through scaling, choices, and logical consequences. Scaling works helping them see that we can have big feels and little feels - and that our reactions can be matched to the size of the problem: "I understand that you are upset and envious that your sister got the larger piece of cake. Is this a big problem or a little problem?" If they consistently rate what seems like a little problem to you as a BIG problem, they may need a little more help understanding the size of problems (see below). Choice works because they give children a sense of control. Choices should be simple, clearly defined, and should all be options YOU can live with: "I can tell you are upset - do you need my help to calm down or would you like to pick an option from your calm down tool box" (see below). This does not mean they are free from consequences, but the more your praise their efforts to regain emotional control, the faster they will learn this skill. A logical consequence is ultimately a choice the child is making for choosing behaviors that are dangerous, hurtful, or not in alignment with your family values.
- You break it you fix it - this could be making actually repairs to something they have broken, or making real apologies to those they have hurt
- Loss of privilege - let's say you found out your child was playing video games instead of working on a school assignment - because they abused the technology, they lose that privilege for a specified amount of time. The key is that the loss of privilege is tied to the behavior and not random or arbitrary.
- Calm-down - work with your child to find positive ways they can self-soothe (listen to music, cuddle a pet, draw, color, build something, get a cuddle) - then if they are having an outburst of emotion, you can offer them the chance to use those tools to calm-themselves down, and only return to the group or preferred activity once they can return peacefully.
- Self-awareness. Once your child understands emotions, and can actively regulate their own emotions, the important work is to develop self-knowledge. What sort of situations are emotional triggers for me? How can I avoid or manage myself in those situations? What are the signs in my body that I am becoming upset? How can I remove myself from a situation before I lose my temper? We can help our children know themselves better by sharing our own stories and by validating their feelings and experiences. This article on validation may help you understand how to have deep conversations with your children about who they are and what they experience. When someone listens to us, really listens, without judgment or without trying to jump in and solve our problems - it feels really good - and allows us the space to come to our own conclusions about who we are and what we need.
- Relational awareness. Is empathy a personality trait or a skill? Or is it both? Contemporary researchers believe that we can practice empathy and reap the benefits through having better, stronger relationships. Once again, modeling to your children that you think about how other people are feeling. With little kids, this could look like telling your child to look at someone's face and asking if they look like they are happy or sad - and then asking them to think about why. With older kids, it can take place through watching TV shows or movies and speculating about character motivations. There are actually three kinds of empathy: emotional empathy is the ability to feel what someone else might be feeling; cognitive empathy is the ability to perspective-take and see things from another's point of view; and compassionate empathy is the desire to take action on behalf of another.
- Relational skills. When we think of our children's behaviors that bother us - it helps to think of them as skills they haven't learned yet rather than character flaws. Relational skills (how we interact with the world around us to get our own needs met while respecting the rights of others) do not always come naturally. Modeling and direct teaching these key skills will help your child be better prepared to interact with others - and perhaps not drive you crazy in the meantime!
- Basic communication - active listening, following instructions, ignoring distractions
- Regulating emotions - managing worries, identifying feelings, handling anger
- Executive skills - organization, time management, self-control
- Problem solving skills - asking for help, deciding what to do, compromising, collaborating
- Accountability - following through, recognizing mistakes, accepting consequences
- Social skills - making eye contact, joining in, making conversation, apologizing, being curious, being friendly, using manners, reciprocating, expressing feelings, giving compliments, perspective taking, helping others, showing concern
- 21st Century success skills - professional communication, goal setting, self-advocacy, critical thinking, creativity, self-direction, conscientiousness, civic responsibility, ethical decision making, digital citizenship
- Mindsets - self-awareness, self-confidence, sense of belonging, growth mindset, positive attitude, sense of purpose