It's the little things.
Every day we model to our children how to react to life: when we are stressed, when we are joyful, when we communicate our needs. Over time, they learn to read the world around them and respond in various ways to get their own needs met. Those who are most successful at effectively communicating their needs and subsequently having those needs met are considered to be emotionally intelligent. Emotional intelligence is thought of as five interrelated sets of skills: self-awareness, motivation, empathy, social skills, and self-regulation. Emotional intelligence can be strengthened with healthy modeling and targeted interventions.
Self-regulation
The first step to helping children become more self-regulated is to help them identify their own feelings. When they are experiencing various states, caregivers can help build emotional vocabulary by naming the state. This is true for young children and older children alike: I see that you are mad because you are yelling and frowning; I can tell that you are overwhelmed because you have so many assignments to get done and such a short amount of time to finish; etc. Reflection of feeling is a powerful connecting tool as well.
The next step is to help them identify ways to control their emotional state. While all feelings are valid and normal, we can manage uncomfortable states through our actions and our thoughts. At school, we refer to the Zones of Regulation, to help children understand this concept. You can use this tool at home as well! Kids are quite good at recognizing things they can do to "calm down" when prompted. Challenging them to use those tools takes time and positive modeling.
The next step is to help them identify ways to control their emotional state. While all feelings are valid and normal, we can manage uncomfortable states through our actions and our thoughts. At school, we refer to the Zones of Regulation, to help children understand this concept. You can use this tool at home as well! Kids are quite good at recognizing things they can do to "calm down" when prompted. Challenging them to use those tools takes time and positive modeling.
Empathy
Once children have the ability to recognize their own emotional states, they can identify the thoughts and feelings of others. Empathy can be practiced every time you read a book or watch a movie by asking the child to reflect upon the thoughts and feelings of the characters. In conflict situations, it is important to ask the child to reflect on how the other person might think or feel before deciding on an action. Telling stories from your own childhood is a wonderful opportunity to connect with your child and help them see things from a different perspective.
Curiosity also promotes empathy. Being curious about the motives and interests of other people helps children think outside of their inner world. Encourage them to pursue a passion and read about others who have had similar passions.
Curiosity also promotes empathy. Being curious about the motives and interests of other people helps children think outside of their inner world. Encourage them to pursue a passion and read about others who have had similar passions.
Motivation
Emotionally intelligent people want to feel comfortable most of the time. A child with emotional difficulty does not feel comfortable, but may not understand that they can feel better. Helping them recognize the difference between comfortable and uncomfortable experiences help them develop the motivation to be more emotional regulated and connected to others.
While closely related to self-awareness, understanding one's personal needs is helpful in developing the motivation to be more emotionally stable. Basic needs fall into five general categories: survival, love/belonging, freedom, power, and fun (Glasser Choice Theory). Helping children recognize their motivation in their behaviors will help them develop more effective strategies for communicating their needs.
While closely related to self-awareness, understanding one's personal needs is helpful in developing the motivation to be more emotionally stable. Basic needs fall into five general categories: survival, love/belonging, freedom, power, and fun (Glasser Choice Theory). Helping children recognize their motivation in their behaviors will help them develop more effective strategies for communicating their needs.
Self Awareness
Having a strong sense of self is key to building healthy relationships and pursuing personal passions. Self-awareness is the ability to reflect upon one's self-concept in a way that is consistent to one's belief system. Being self-aware means recognizing when behaviors or attitudes are inconsistent with one's self-concept and either making adjustments to behavior and attitudes or making adjustments to the core self. Emotionally intelligent people tend to be congruent. That is, their ideal version of self is closely related to their self-concept. They are able to adjust with minimal or mature defense mechanisms when faced with cognitive dissonance.
Self-concept is, broadly, who we think we are, who we have been, and our hopes and dreams for our future. It includes the identifying terms used to describe "self," our self-identity, as well as our self-image and self-esteem. Self-identity includes the descriptors one places on the self - internal and external descriptors, gender, sexual, cultural, familial, religious, moral thinking and belief systems and how all of these impact our perception of the world and where we fit. Self-image refers to how one sees themselves and perceives others to see them. Self-esteem is the value placed on the self - positive or negative judgments about their self-image or self-concept.
Self-awareness can be increased through asking children to explore their self-identity, to compare and contrast the self to others, and to reflect upon their ideal life goals. Connecting with positive role models helps broaden a sense of what is possible.
Self-concept is, broadly, who we think we are, who we have been, and our hopes and dreams for our future. It includes the identifying terms used to describe "self," our self-identity, as well as our self-image and self-esteem. Self-identity includes the descriptors one places on the self - internal and external descriptors, gender, sexual, cultural, familial, religious, moral thinking and belief systems and how all of these impact our perception of the world and where we fit. Self-image refers to how one sees themselves and perceives others to see them. Self-esteem is the value placed on the self - positive or negative judgments about their self-image or self-concept.
Self-awareness can be increased through asking children to explore their self-identity, to compare and contrast the self to others, and to reflect upon their ideal life goals. Connecting with positive role models helps broaden a sense of what is possible.
Social Skills
Children do not know what we do not teach them. Modeling and practicing social skills help children understand how to connect with others in ways that make others feel comfortable. In turn, they build stronger relationships and experience increased self-esteem as a result.